You Never Know When You Lose
by eclecticwitch
Summary: Shuichi hides a dangerous past that threatens his sanity, what will Eiri do when Shuichi's dark secret is revealed? Can he save him or will the memories be too much for the singer. Can he save him before time runs out?


A one-shot unless deemed that it should continue.

I am in a weird mood, so I thought I'd use the feelings to write a one-shot. I have no intention to make it more than that unless you want that. Then I'll consider it.

I DO NOT own Gravitation.

Warnings: my usual general warnings….some OOC, language, blah

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Title: You Never Know When You Lose

Yuki had been gone on a book signing tour a week back and promised the younger singer he would return on Saturday.

Shuichi just sat there, on his lover's bed and waited still. It had been Monday and yet he had still come home. Shuichi had tried to call the man but he wasn't picking up, the constant voice mail message popping up.

Shuichi needed the man.

The younger man sat on the bed, his legs drawn up, his head between them and his arms curled around his skull. His hands were balled into fists, the skin his has gripping bleeding slightly under his contact. Shuichi loved pain, why else would he put up with the overly rough novelist in bed.

It wasn't until midnight that his lover returned home.

What Yuki walked in on was something he was sure he never seen out of the man before.

Shuichi sat in the same position, unyielding as he heard the door open. Shuichi was tired of running or trying to forget.

Maybe he should tell him the secret he held in for so many years.

Should he come clean?

Would he understand?

The better question was could he mentally take such information at this time. Hell, Shuichi needed support and if Yuki couldn't give it to him, what could he do. Hiro didn't even know, or that was what he believed. No one could help. No one could stop the voices.

"Shuichi? What's wrong? Are you ok?" The usual coarse man was confused, feeling best to trudge carefully. He wasn't sure how to act, his lover had never been this defeated.

'doesn't he make you angry? He treats you like crap. Don't you hate him?' a low voice rang in the back of his head.

"No." Shuichi said audibly. Yuki was concerned. Here he thought the man would yell at him for being late, he'd tell him the truth, the plane was delayed and they'd have hot passionate sex.

The boy looked like he had lost it. What could have happened?

Before Yuki could process what was going on, the pink haired man ran from the room and out the door. There was tears in his eyes and anger evident on his usually jubilant face. Yuki went to go after him but found him no where around the vicinity.

"What's going on?" Yuki had yet to tell him his feelings even though they had been together for three years but he was generally concerned. Yuki did the only thing he could think of, he called Shuichi's best friend Hiro.

"Hello?" A yawn on the other end showed how evident the night had become. Yuki told him what had happened and to the novelists surprise, he had expected it.

"I was wondering when that would happen again. It is best that he tells you but he never even told me of what happened."

"never told you? What happened?"

"He is too ashamed to tell me what had happened but it is eating at him. Listen, are you free tomorrow?"

"I have an appointment in the morning but I am free after noon."

"Good, I'll drop by then."

"what about Shuichi? Will he be alright?"

"He has a place of his own he runs to, to get his thoughts. He'll be fine, he won't come home for about a day or two but when he does…well…you'll see. I am surprised it took him three years for another outburst."

Yuki hung up with him and just sat on his bed. How could he sleep when the man he loved dearly would not be sharing it with him.

"Mr. Uesugi? Mr. Uesugi?" a female voice called out, he had zoned out during his psychiatrist appointment. The previous night replaying in his mind after a horrible night or attempted slumber.

"What is bothering you?"

"well…it is about the man I am dating. He usually is energetic, carefree and well…kind of childish. But last night I came home and found him entirely different. He was angry, crying and stormed out of the house with no explanation. According to his best friend, he did this before and I am just concerned. "

"To be honest Mr. Uesugi, it sounds like he has a dark secret he harbors."

"impossible, he would have told me! He…" Yuki cut off and remembered something during his conversation that night. ' he is ashamed of it'.

"It sounds like he tried to forget everything, he acted like a child because he didn't know how to act in the beginning. Then became the facade and it became his personality. He appeared childish because when this had occurred he tried to act normal. Now most people mature and their personalities alter minimally but since this is not the true self, he appeared to have a child-like innocence. Then when it becomes to much, when he is alone the memories of whatever it is that had happened comes back and he breaks down. One night of anguish to years of being miserable. Sometimes it can lead to suicide, multiple personalities, social cauterization. It can make a lot of problems for them. It seems his defense mechanism is the opposite of yours Mr. Uesugi."

Yuki gaped at the woman, was what she said true? Could his Shu-chan be doing that?

What was he hiding?

"I seen it before, he needs a lot of support and help to let go of the past like you needed. You made a break through but it took you a while and to be honest, I don't think Kitazawa bothers you anymore. It looks like your boyfriend needs your support like he gave you. If he needs any help, you know who to ask." With that she left Eiri to his thoughts.

It wasn't until two that the guitarist showed up at his doorstep, Shuichi still no where to be seen.

Yuki let him in and the long haired man sat on the couch, his expression was stern. Yuki knew what was about to come was not the petty drama he was used to, something had happened to his boyfriend at some point and he was damned if he wasn't going to get it out of the band mate.

"Don't talk, just listen." Hiro commented as Yuki sat across from him.

Yuki complied as the man began the tale of why Shuichi was on the brink of insanity.

"Back when we were going into our sophomore year of high school, Shuichi found his first girlfriend. The girl was his friend since elementary school and so it made sense that he'd fall for her. It wasn't love for him though. He just liked her and thought he would grow accustomed. When the school year began he had a lot of pressure on him from his parents. Shuichi's father was abusive, he beat the boy regularly and Shuichi never could get the images of his dad, the man he looked up to taking objects to beat him senseless. Shuichi was afraid of people because of this and that was when he discovered his love for singing, his first songs being very dark."

Hiro shifted in his seat, he looked at the novelist for a hint of emotion and found none. He continued.

"Shuichi had to get straight A's in school or else he would get a belt taken to his head. His hand placed over a lit burner. Almost thrown out a window. Shuichi told me that he would get beaten more until he screamed and being prideful. Shuichi never gave in. He became angry and developed a problem with it. He began working out, he believed in the anime he watched. He believed he could fight back when he got old enough and he could run away. Anything he did was futile and earned more open wounds. He lied at school and came up with excuses for his marks. He broke more bones than any child should have gone through but it got worse."

Yuki looked puzzled as the man had not stopped the tale.

"then when he was in eighth grade , his mother was tired of his angry nature and began talking to other people online. Shuichi never knew of course but went with her. She told Shuichi's father that she was going sight seeing, it was a lie Shuichi wouldn't figure out till she met the man. Two weeks later, Shuichi was between a rock and a hard place. Tell his father or mother."

"Tell his dad and he'd be a conspirator for not telling him soon enough and betray the mom but guilt would get him. He'd go against both no matter what his choice was." Yuki commented.

"Exactly. Shuichi told his dad who flew in a rage. Afraid, his mom fled to the other man who lived five hours away. As punishment, he was beaten and forced to give directions to his house. They kept blaming him even after the incident. Even after they got back together, they blamed him for everything. They never let him forget it. Shuichi was already hurting, the memories, his weak state and the fear he had. Now add the blame and the constant ridicule and comparisons. Shuichi was having a battle with himself he was losing. During the incident, Shuichi's dad lost his job, they were homeless at one point, all the boys fault as well apparently. At least according to his parents. Shuichi didn't have friends really, he was backstabbed by them or they messed with him and picked on him. He was too far from me to help and so essentially he was alone. He developed a trust issue. He had a lot of insecurities."

'Why had I never asked him his past' Yuki thought, Hiro went on unfazed by the emotions now playing on his face.

"Shuichi started to get beaten daily, nothing ever being good enough. He began fighting back and got expelled from school. He was jumped leaving school, had to sneak his way to class so he wouldn't get hurt. It wasn't until some of his ex-friends tried pushing him into the table saw that he flipped and took a chair to their heads. He gave up with school and learning. He just gave up and clinged to working out, singing and anime. Then he went out with the girl. She was carefree, and very similar to the Shuichi you know. Now Shuichi actually didn't know he was in a relationship until it was partially through. He became possessive and the insecurities played against him. He made it an abusive relationship. He was just angry and tired of being beaten and he just realized one day what he was doing. He almost killed her at least three times. The last time she tried to kill herself to get away from him. He was jealous and pissed at the world. She was convenient, someone weaker. He…well…he'll be back soon, let him tell you his feelings. That is if you still want him after you heard his dark past."

Hiro got up to walk out when he remembered something. "Also, he is a cutter. He developed it back in high school and he found he liked it. Watch him. Last time he ended up carving his flesh, asking why."

Hiro left Yuki to his thoughts. He wasn't sure how to take the information but he was concerned. He had to do something to help his lover through the ordeal like he had helped Yuki with his past. He had to save Shuichi before he lost him.

Shuichi came back half an hour later, regardless of the hot summer weather he was adorned in long sleeves and pants. Yuki was sure he knew why.

The boy smiled and apologized for making him worry. It was Yuki's turn to speak to him.

Yuki brought the boy to their bedroom, Shuichi was a bit confused. Was the writer already horney?

Yuki sat him down and held him dear, his Shuichi in his lap facing away from him.

"I know"

"Know what?"

Yuki sighed and tuned the boy around, the obvious fake smile on him to hide his fear.

"I know about your past and why you ran that night."

Shuichi eyes widened in fear, he pulled back and out of the gentle arms holding him. He crawled to the corner and went back into the same position Yuki found him the day before. Yuki went to move but Shuichi called out for him to stay. Yuki stood there and asked.

"how do you feel? I told you my past, let me help you."

"You don't hate me? You don't see me differently?"

"Of course not. Now Shu, tell me how you feel and please, get rid of the heavy clothes. You're going to get heat stroke."

"I..I can't"

"I know you probably cut yourself."

"Is there anything you didn't dig up?"

"how you are now. What you are feeling and your take on things."

Shuichi gripped his head but allowed Yuki to move to him. Yuki held him dearly again as he sat on the floor.

"I can't get their voices out of my head!"

"What voices?"

"I hear things Eiri. They keep telling me how I feel. I hear the voices."

Yuki wasn't sure how to react yet again. Here his lover was telling him he was hearing imaginary voices, or was it. Didn't his doctor tell him before that the voices were a projection of the conscious?

"What do they say?"

"They tell me I am a bastard, that I should die. I should get beaten some more….I….I don't know what to do!" He started crying in his shoulder.

"Do you know what it is like to see blood on your hands. She is just laying there, hands over her fucking head and chanting out "I'm sorry" like a god damn mantra? Wait, you do know what it is like…." the anger in his voice became realization, the man holding him did know how he felt.

"I beat her, hurt her, almost killed her. I stabbed her Eiri! I fucking stabbed a person and I LIKED it!" Yuki held him and supported him, his thoughts clouded.

"Eiri, I felt like I god damn murdered her. Yeah, she is still walking but she is different because of ME! She is afraid of people, she hates the world, god damn it I turned her into me. I was so jealous if she hung out with others I beat her. She is still afraid to be around people. I…I tried to apologize once, she looked at me with such hate. I almost killed myself that night. I…" he cried again as he pulled off his clothes, deep wounds over his body and bruising. He was only clad in his boxers, the rest of his body torn by a blade.

"I can't stop."

"Shuichi, you need help."

"NO! I went before. Anger management pissed me off and the rest of those fucking want to be doctors didn't help. I went willingly three times!"

"I know someone different. She helped me with my past, she'll.."

"no, you don't accept me! Your trying to change me, the voices were right. You don't care about me. You…" he broke from Eiri's grasp who was trying to disprove the supposed 'voices'

Shuichi ran to the balcony and broke through the doors, glass making him bleed profusely as they embedded in his skin. Shuichi didn't feel the sting, his body use to the cutting feel ion his flesh.

Shuichi got to the edge o f the ten foot story apartment complex and looked back at Yuki who was running to him, he was afraid.

Shuichi looked forward and moved.

He took a step.

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A/N - meant to be a on-shot unless you want to continue. I just had to write something different for once so here you go. Flame all you want but I could care less about those reviews, if this isn't your 'cup of tea' then deal.


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